I've forbidden myself circumlocution on this blog (consider yourselves the cognoscenti who are privileged enough to be made privy to the interior workings of my tortured little mind), so here it is:
I let myself get tired and vulnerable and purged last night.
I figured I wouldn't make it all the way through Lent (I deliberately set the bar unattainably high), but I figured I could at least make it more than two freaking days without a screw-up, so it was more than a little disheartening. I know F. Scott Fitzgerald's whole deal -- "never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat" -- intellectually and all, but let's be honest, it inevitably propels us into the slough of despond when we realize we are not the Champions of Virtue we think we are. Good for the old humility, I suppose, particularly as I had triumphed over several baser temptations more urgently calling my name throughout the course of the day, only to fail ingloriously in the eleventh hour because I let myself get tired, smug, and complacent.
Lesson learned. I am apparently a mogwoi. Do not feed me after midnight or I will turn into a gremlin. (I do not, however, so far as I know, die when exposed to broad sunlight or spontaneously reproduce when submerged underwater.)
Just call me Gizmo.
That said, the crucial thing -- indeed the only imperative thing -- is to keep on trucking and do the next right thing. Wallowing is for quitters, quitting is for losers -- and there's no crying in baseball!
Pray for me. This is unbelievably slow going, and hard as hell.
"Why do we fall, sir? So that we might learn to pick ourselves up." (Batman Begins)
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That's a good quote from Fitzgerald. He said some good stuff.
ReplyDeleteThat's the tough thing about temptation, when the vice has gotten to the point of an addiction - it's always waiting for you to let down your guard, even for a minute. And then it slips in.
But don't let it worry you. God is very, very pleased to see your admirable and truly courageous efforts. I doubt He even noticed your mometary lapse. He just "happened" to be looking away at that moment. He does when he knows we're really trying to get our act together. He gets distrasted during our embarassing moments, and is all attention during the rest.