I went to Front Royal yesterday, had a fantastic day, and then failed epicly last night. Twice, in fact. Nearly back-to-back. Pretty damn pissed at myself.
There's a principle every eating disorder sufferer has been bludgeoned about the head with more than a few times in recovery by some shrink, therapist, clinical assistant or another, and that's H.A.L.T. -- never allow yourself to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I foolishly allowed myself to become all of the above, all coalescing at once, catalyzed by a major fight with a parental unit who made it very clear to me that my recovery wasn't a priority of his. I consequently embarked on a whirlwind tour (or two) of the inside of the toilet bowl, and spent the greater portion of the evening last night sick and sobbing, feeling inadequate, hopeless, pathetic.
Then I woke up with renewed determination to shelve the old man (or woman, I suppose) and put on Christ. This is bullshit. I am better than this. I have come too far and made too much progress to take orders from leftover Mexican food, or to allow a cruel and thoughtless comment to shatter my whole weltanschauung. So I went to Mass this morn, then went out with a girlfriend of mine to Starbucks afterwards, where we sat and talked about life, men, and the cosmos for hours. It made me sad, a little, to think of how many friendships I've sacrificed for the sake of my addiction and haven't bothered to maintain because I've been too busy killing myself. Somehow I don't think God will be altogether impressed at the end of days when my response to "Did you clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned, counsel the doubtful, comfort the sorrowful, etc.?" is "Sorry, no, I was too busy selfishly navel-gazing and sticking my fingers down my throat." Which makes me really want to start working the 12 steps, because one of them involves making reparation and restitution as far as it is possible to those you've wounded along the way through your addiction -- caught in the shrapnel of your own open-fire on yourself.
In that vein, I just printed out a whole list of 12-step meetings [Eating Disorders Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous] in the Maryland/D.C./Virginia area, and am going to come up with some sort of schedule once I figure out which it's reasonable and practical for me to attend regularly.
Currently headed out to watch movies with Rachel and Peter. I've found that a tight schedule -- and keeping myself in the presence of those who love me and are pulling for me -- is the most effective anti-drug.
It's snowing! Snow is, I think, God's reminder that the world will go on. More tomorrow. My thoughts are a little scattered today, and staying the course today is taking all the energy I can possibly muster. I have no words. :-/
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I wish I could come to the meetings with you. Maybe if we move back closer I can do that sometime. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're trying so hard at all this during Lent. You will get there! If it makes you feel better, I too forgot it was Ash Wed. and ate some chicken. lol
If there is one in my neck of the woods, I'll go with you. I don't have a car anymore, so I'm kind of limited in that.
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